今天心碎节

无意间听到这首歌，真的形容了我之前的心情。。。


庭竹 - 现在的你

作词:庭竹 作曲:庭竹

在没有月光的夜

在没有人陪的房间

在孤独的气氛只剩我一个人

想着你发呆到天亮

黑暗中有你的脸

看着我甜甜的笑

不知道怎么好远

才发现你已离开我身边

现在的你是否也在想我

想我过得好不好

现在的你是否也在看着

远远天空闪亮的星

以后的我一定还会为你

保留一个位置

将来的你也许可以想起



在灯光昏黄的夜

仍空无一人的房间

你潇洒的离开却留我一个人

想着你哭泣到天亮

黑暗中有你的脸

看着我甜甜的笑

不知道怎么好远

才发现你已离开我身边

现在的你是否也在想我

想我过得好不好

现在的你是否也在看着

寂寞的夜空

现在的你是否也在想我

想我过得好不好

现在的你是否也在看着

远远天空闪亮的星

以后的我一定还会为你

保留一个位置

将来的你也许可以想起

曾经有个人陪伴你

一直有个人想着你

永远有个人在默默祝福

着你 等你

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

每年的今天，是一个沉重的日子。。。 是我傻了，疯了，笨了，脑残了。。。 花了那么多时间和精力去回忆一个没头绪的感情，一个无聊的你。。。
你现在过的好吗？ 我其实很想跟你联系，不过又带着许多的埋怨。。。 人啊，有够无聊的。。。:)

我父母骄傲了。。。

等了一个小时多，终于到了我们这一排了。。。
站在台下的我。。。感觉有点小紧张。每个人都查看自己的炮衣是否整齐！而我也借机会帮我旁边那位‘参种’的帅哥打理他的炮衣！呵呵。。。　

名字被叫到时，我鞠了个小躬然后走向老北贝，握手，拿奖。这老北贝跟我祝贺了一大堆废话，害我不知道有没有瞄准照相机让摄影师拍好。。

走回位子时，看到了爸爸已经在一旁等候，要用他那个老爷相机捕捉我轻快的动作！Argggghhhh。。。。 都跟他说不用了。。。

经过观众席，看到妈妈，她也拿起了手机要拍我！她好像眼眶红红的， 好像有一点小感动。。。 但又要强迫自己点头着，对我笑。。。 仿佛告诉我“吴昃分，你好棒噢！”。

我想我这一身就只有，这一刻值得让我父母亲骄傲，感动。。。

情难了。。。

Have been talking to a friend out of a problem in romance recently. She has been in love for this man for almost two years but they still weren’t bgf. She was quite troubled over it and I emphasized on his bad qualities, trying to talk my friend out of it.

She then told me. She couldn’t force herself to only focus on his bad qualities and slowly she listed his good qualities one by one... and explained what have caused his bad qualities and such...

Suddenly, I fell into deep thoughts for my ex.... How shameful... I actually started to miss him badly... but why should I? How disgraceful... I think of his good qualities... but why should I? How humiliating...

I always thought that I have already let go... or did I just hide him in tiny corner of my heart? I didn't dare to face it? Haven’t the scar been healed? Haven’t I already let go? Sadness wrapped round my heart today and refused to disperse... Pain... came back and refused to wear off….

Will he ever understand how much I have suffered? Will he know that right now, I am still suffering?
情难了,情难了。。。

可笑的回忆。。。

Senario: 惠萍她用吸管折了很多星星，不过还是填不满那玻璃罐。这个罐要送给朋友当结婚礼物。

我: 萍! 填不满吖！你要不要我橱里有1000颗吸管星星哦！你可以拿来填满噢！

惠萍：我才不要那负心汉折的星星咧！

我: 不对！当时他折给我的时后，他有爱我哦。所以那些星星是充满着幸福的！我在帮你省时又能把幸福的星星送给人哦！给你朋友幸福吖。。。。

想当年，These 1000 straw stars were done by my ex bf when he loved alot some... 10 yrs ago? I wonder if they have already turned yellow... placed in a dark corner which I dragged to pack/clear... To throw? or not to throw? No harm keeping but take up space though...

Flying Solo...

After much waiting... My medical result is finally out... The good thing is, everything is perfectly fine. And that should embark my 'flying solo' journey. This comes with much anticipation since I was already planning my exit 4 months ago.

I have friends who supported my decision but mostly not.... Many disapprovals comes from my family and some friends, I did not shake a bit and yet firmer in getting into plans. The decision of giving up my 3k plus job is not done overnight or with just a tiny bit of analysing. Corporate world is not just for me... I am capable of doing the job, for sure... But it’s not something that I would like to do forever.

I always have my passion in beauty and service line but the low salary has been the main factor hailing my entering. I now finally earned my name in waxing, I seriously want to plunge into it and give my best. Never in my life I felt so satisfied with what I am doing…

While writing this, I recalled how upset my mum was when I told her about my decision. Nope, she did not cry nor did she scold me. But her nagging function just naturally got activated every now and then when our topics fall into this category.

To her, with a family history of failed businesses, she does not understand why I still persist into starting my own one. My mummy also can’t accept the fact that I am giving up such a stable job, good incentives and not utilising my newly obtained degree. No doubt that I did give her my promise that if my business did not work out after 4-5 months, I will look for job with higher pay.

But still she doesn't seem to have a lot of confidence in me and think that it is impossible. Seriously, her reaction to this did affect me the most. Ever since I was younger, the decision or things that I do was never supported by any family members. Although this made me a stronger person but I know I yearned for such moral support.

I know what I am doing is rather risky and most people will not do my way but I just want to say that I REALLY WANT TO DO IT!!! So, just stop telling me about whatever business essential that you think I don't know. For all you know, you might have lesser mini business experience... I will be fine..... Also, I will not be a burden to anyone... Do not worry about me...

Thanks for all your concerns and advices.... I appreciate ALOT! And I really mean it! (I know some might think the attitude behind the keyboard is full of anger and dismay... )

Diary for this week..

All these months, I have been busying with helping in make up for Soka Youth Musical. The makeup group started the training in early January. Since then, we have been meeting up every week right from makeup lessons to trial make up for the cast, to rehearsals and eventually to the actual run when the show kick started on the 13th of March.

This weekend will be the end of 18 shows! I can't wait for it to finish so as ending the pain to travel so bloody far to the other end of Singapore and the misery to wake up at the crack of dawn during weekends in order to reach there at 7am! I missed having breakfast and spending time with my mum... I sometimes wonder how she spends her Sundays for the last couple of months. But I do have mixed feelings too. The rapport and friendships that I have developed with the makeup girls, the casts and other helpers in the show make me wana crave for more shows...

I cannot claim that I have grown a lot in the making of these shows, I mean in terms of spiritually. But I do see a significant change in my courage to face some of the challenges that I had feared in the past. With constant drilling of some religious encouragements and from readings, I think I have built up enough courage to face many things.

One interesting fact that I have noticed; many single ywds and ymds, at my age or older who are helping out, face relationship karma and some of them came to help in hope that the fortune received will benefit them in getting good wives or husbands. But...I did not come with this anticipation although I do have plans to settle down for a family one day.

This makes me wonder if I am abnormal or not? Or am I really becoming lesbian? hum... Need to do more self searching to find out more...

恼人的过去，我讨厌你！

I thought I had loooooooooong forgotten my hurtful past, I thought I had just managed to overcome the fear of facing reality, I thought everything has been running smoothly for me....

I geared up all my energy to face this challenging year with all plans and activities lined up ahead...

Just as I thought it will run smoothly... The painful past started to hunt me back! Is this one of the effect that I have stirred up since I have been chatting hard core-ly to expiate my negative karma? I think sooo……

Last Friday, I felt that I have overcome the fear of travelling to the T place... (well, bcos the T place was somewhere I never want to step into since 3 years ago after that r/s.) During December last yr, I was approached to do make ups for some cast show running in March. I immediately accepted it but was told a bad news that the event place is at the T place.

I was mission-ed to travel to the T place every weekend to do make up for the shows. At the start of it, I travelled there fearing that I might bump into him, his friends or his families. I wore sunglasses and walked discreetly so as not to catch any attention! When days passed by with so many joyful chanting that I have put in, I feel that I have recovered, I have put down everything and I am ready to face the music, anytime and anywhere.

Moreover my prayers have been fulfilled... that is to overcome this fear and I did!

Therefore, I wrote blog dedicated to my ex to thank him for making me a better person and I mean it. I made it as the full stop for the memories I had with him. I felt that I am fully geared up to tackle whatever that comes to me....

Then, the very next day..... While doing the make up with the group I am in, I chit chatted with one of the ICs during breaks. We found out that we have got common friend... that common friend is no other than ex's sister! That IC is a very good friend of his sister too... Upon knowing that, it’s like a needle poking the tyre... haha.. pong chek half way!

Memories, memories, memories rushed into my brain vigorously that night... But I did recover my senses quite fast! I was okay, up and alive the next day!
But this did not last looooonnng till another hurting past came up again... when they don't come... they don't come at all.. When they come... damn! They came in BIG BULK!!

Just now as I was reciting my gongyo, my mum came into my room and was eager to speak to me. She told me that she met one of my colleagues back in the sales days. That colleague no longer work under that boss anymore, encountering the same treatment as I had 4 yrs ago where I broke ties with other colleagues at that time due to the backstabs I suffered from the boss. This colleague very much wanted to connect with me again and urged my mum to get me to call her for catch ups. (I am still deciding whether I should contact her or not.)

She also told my mum that another colleague also left because of a similar issue. The next thing that I am worried for are my long time friends who are also working there - LH & SK. I hoped they are spared from all these.

Again, I was left thinking about the painful past tonight....still stunned by the fact that the colleagues had also left the organisation.

I know that I can overcome this (thinking too much) for sure with such high life force that I possess now. I will chant more to quickly expiate away the negative karma and so they will not keep floating out and making me pounder thoughts over it.

I will also put in prayers for LH and SK to be spared from all these and that colleagues to have a healthy and happy life.

Although I can recover easily but I hoped that these encounters don’t happen again… I don’t like it… : |

I am the best that you ever owned

After so many years of struggling.. I dunno who I am... I dunno wat I want... I dunno how I feel... I dunno what I know...

I often looked back at the spot where I was being left behind by you, kept doubting myself for the mess that I had ended in...kept reflecting on what I can do better...

And later... kept laughing at myself for being such a fool...kept wondering what was on my mind back then...

Because of you, I have become a better person with higher qualification, more skills, bigger social networks, more positive attitude...

You gave me the motivation to achieve further in life, to strive higher in heights, to explore wider in the unreachable...

You made me realized that I am still loved by many people... that I am worth tons more love than what you can give me...

 ...that I am the best that you ever owned....

Thank you for giving me this loving experience....